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by Serenity Vects (Author)
Having such a traumatic upbringing tends to make a person block out just to survive life; it was no different for me. I may not remember much of my childhood but as I started to grow and evolve as a person, a woman, and a mother, it slowly started to unlock memories to a lot of things that were either buried deep, or came back as Deja vu moments for me to correct as I live life. As each memory came back, I found myself feeling insecure, angry, worthless, and at times repeating mistakes, all over again. It started to become a never-ending cycle that I desperately wanted to recover from.
I thought therapy would help. But it did not at the time I felt I needed it most. Maybe I gave up too soon, nonetheless, I can at least say I tried. But when my traumas made the therapist cry, I knew they could not help me, because I never wanted sympathy. Or when the therapist tells me my decisions and choices were warranted, and I was actually handling certain situations properly. I realized I was practically paying someone to reconfirm what I already knew. I was not crazy and very valid in my emotions and thoughts. I was thinking, "like yup! I have to figure this out on my own as I do not have money to continue to waste when I know what I need to do.
So, I'm going to be honest, I do not know if this is the best direction for me, but I am trusting my process on my journey. Writing has always been my outlet to expressing myself. One thing about being self-aware is knowing I am not the best verbal communicator.
I do believe this will be one of the more important pieces I have ever written. Let alone, choosing to publish for the world to take what they choose to take from it is extremely daunting. However, if my writing not only helps set me free, as well as help one person feel seen, let alone, multiple, then I know this was a decision that I'm glad I made.
I also chose this route because apologies are so rare for me, practically nonexistent due to pride, ego, accountability, and more. So instead of waiting for apologies that will never come. I chose to be proactive in this process.
I am choosing to give apologies to my younger and present self. Using this as a means of letting go and taking control of my life, thoughts and power. I have lived in this mental cage for well over thirty years. Quite frankly enough is enough! I pray that by the time I finish writing I am giving a burial as well as a rebirth to a new me. It has been a long time coming.
