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by Natalia N. Dekine (Author)
She was taught that truth was singular.
That God had rules.
That her body had limits.
That love had boundaries.
She believed it until her life unraveled.
Raised as a Jehovah's Witness and later becoming a Christian lay minister, Natalia built her identity on devotion, discipline, and a deep desire to serve. But when marriage collapsed, illness took hold, and the life she trusted began to fracture, the foundation beneath her faith cracked open. What followed was not a gentle unraveling, but a necessary one.
In this deeply intimate memoir, she traces her journey through religious conditioning, spiritual disillusionment, and the quiet, terrifying question: What remains when everything you believed no longer holds?
As she navigates divorce, claims her identity as a lesbian in midlife, and confronts the lingering echoes of shame and control, her body becomes both battleground and teacher. A diagnosis of Lyme disease forces her to reckon not only with physical survival, but with the limits of the systems she once trusted. It is through this rupture that another path emerges. Turning toward alternative healing through Reiki, sound therapy, and embodied spiritual practices, she begins to reconstruct a relationship with herself, her body, and a God no longer defined by fear, but by love.
This is a story of:
- leaving religion without losing spirit
- coming into sexuality after silence
- healing from illness in ways that defy expectation
- and reclaiming a voice once shaped by doctrine
Tender, unflinching, and ultimately liberating, this memoir speaks to anyone who has ever had to lose everything they thought was true to discover what is real. For readers navigating faith deconstruction, late-in-life identity shifts, chronic illness, or the long journey back to self, this book offers not answers, but something more enduring:
Permission.
